Membership

Yesterday I joined a gym. It wasn't the inexpensive gym that is closest to my house. Instead, I joined a really nice gym with fluffy, white freshly laundered and still warm towels. A gym with mint scented shampoo, body wash and conditioner and individual showers with a real door.

It's a nice place.

And the reason I'm at such a nice gym? Because my workout buddy goes to that gym and I know I'd be tempted to not go if it wasn't for her encouraging me and meeting me there. I have a harder time with justifying the money, but I try to think about it as an investment in myself. If I could actually lose weight and be healthy, isn't it totally worth it?

I'm still really excited about my goal of doing a sprint triathlon in Summer '11 with my friend. She's a lot better than I am and I hope I can rise up to her level soon, though I know she'll just keep getting stronger and better too. It is a friendly bit of competition and I am so thankful to have a buddy to motivate me and just join me in this endeavor.

So, my local friends, would you like to join me in training for a sprint triathlon next summer? Get into shape and healthy?

I have to admit, as I type this I'm so sore and know that the next few days I'll continue to be sore, and probably feel even worse! I am so out of shape and swimming is not easy for me and works muscles I never seem to use in everyday life. Yet, I'm strangely drawn to the swim. It is quiet and I have to focus on breathing because I'm not very good at it.... but when I finally climb out of the pool (if I can climb out of the pool) I feel really relaxed, and I actually like it.

I think there are a lot of things I like right now about this endeavor and resolve to get into shape. First, I really have to get in shape! I want to be healthy and I want to look good! Second, it has been incredibly difficult for me to do something this foreign and out of my comfort zone. I feel so exposed. (something about being in a bathing suit lends itself to that, I think) Third.... I really am enjoying having someone to work out with and challenge me and get to know a bit better. It is much more fun doing it with someone else that all alone.

And fourth.... I really want to compete in a triathlon!

Inside The Lines

After 9 years of living in our house, we're finally remodeling a bit. In fact, we're changing the layout of the whole house since the biggest room in our home we seldom use. So, we're thinking that if we opened it up off the kitchen and put the TV in there, it would become the new gathering place.

That's the hope.

So we opened up that space, still working on that, and the next step is painting. Most of the walls in our house are a mundane white color, with the unused room being more of a beige. I really want to add some color to it, have an accent wall, etc but I am having the hardest time figuring out what color!

Then, after that paint comes putting in hardwood flooring. Actually, laminate. (since we have 3 kids) I'm excited about this but once again, I have to make a choice! What color wood?

Down the road we're thinking of replacing our windows and remodeling our kitchen, drastically. (And did I mention we're adding a study?)

Such exciting changes but I'm a bit scared it won't work out as I envision it.

Black and Blue

How many others have a distinct preference of ink color? I prefer black ink. I don't like too fine a point, but it can't be too broad either and it has to have a nice flow to it. The darker the better.

Of course, if I must, Ill use blue ink. But I prefer to take notes in black.

However, I also like pencils, especially now that I've started occasionally underlining in books. I like my pencil marks to be dark as well, and I guess I prefer a soft graphite pencil. My favorite pencil is a yellow Dixon Ticonderoga. it feels right, smells right and I is a perfect balance.

I know; I sound like an infomercial! Who thinks about pen ink and pencils? But I read this little article in WIRED about a new type of pencil by Sharpie that is a Liquid Pencil. It writes like a pencil, erases easily but after 3 days the mark is permanent.

Not sure if that is compelling enough for me. I'd really like to write with it!

The other day I was furiously erasing all the I underlined in a book before loaning it so a friend. It took a good half an hour! If I had used a Sharpie Liquid pencil I wouldn't have been able to erase it.

What do you think? Are you picky about the types of pen you use? Do you like blue or black ink? Do you still find pencils appealing? Would you spend extra money on a permanent liquid pencil?

Ready, Set.....

I only have one more full week of summer vacation before my kids start school, and I'm not ready! There is a part of me ready for their routine to start, but I've enjoyed the summer and the lack of structure, and I believe they have as well.

Plus, it is not easy to get ready for school! I have yet to go buy their back-to-school supplies. Both my boys seem to have outgrown ever piece of clothing I purchased last year. (though my 10 year old will still but on a size 5 pair of shorts) I think they can use last years' backpacks, though of course, they want new ones. Katie still has an impressive wardrobe, in fact, I doubt she'll even be able to wear all the clothes she has in one season before she outgrows them and the weather changes.

Yet, they are ready to go back to school. They miss their friends and they like school and enjoy learning. They are eager to find out who their teachers are this year, and I think every parent might be even more stressed about that detail too! Teachers make such a huge difference. I'm not worried about Katie's first grade class assignment; it seems all the first grade teachers would be fine for her, but Reid is in Second grade and there are several teachers I don't want him to have! In fact, I'm hoping he'll get the same teacher that Conor had...... Conor blossomed in her class in 2nd grade. I don't want to even think of my oldest being a fifth grader. Wow. When did that happen?

I'm looking forward to this school year and I hope they are too. I know there'll be challenges and disappointment, but for the fun and excitement and positive things far outweigh the difficult moments.

And for me? I'm looking forward to my free time again. I need to get into a routine to workout. (I've committed to do a sprint triathlon next summer) I'm looking forward to my Thursday Bible Study starting up, and I'm curious if the women's ministry at my church will have some type of study offering. I enjoy the fall; October perhaps is my favorite time to take pictures and I have a deep affinity towards pumpkin patches.

I think I'm ready for school to start but I do wonder if I'll look back three weeks into it and mourn that summer was so fleeting.

Not-So-Sweet Retreat

It is that time of year again, retreat time and I'm confronted with a decision: Do I really want to go on a retreat with 30 or 50 other women, or however many show up for these things.

Last year I had the last minute opportunity to attend my church's women's retreat so I did. And, I will admit, they do a really good job of making a memorable retreat. The speaker was way better than I expected. Everyone was friendly. The accommodations were good and the location was beautiful.

And I'm still trying to figure out why I did not "love" it. Was it my own fault? I definitely could've made an effort to be a part of things more; there were times I deliberately chose not to be involved and I think I made it clear that I separated myself. There is a part of me that thinks I made an effort. I attempted to talk to others. I had some good moments.

Yet, in retrospect, I felt like an observer instead of a participant. Indeed; I played the role of a photographer. I was an outsider, yet I feel my photos benefitted from that

I never let myself feel like I belonged there and now I'm trying to figure out if I want to go this year. The most compelling reason for me to attend is simply because I hate feeling left out. (and I do enjoy taking photos) Yet, if the reason I want to go is because I hate feeling left out, why do I make it so I still feel left out even though I'm there?

So I'm running through my list of why I don't want to go. I'm sure there are some silly, invalid reasons. I'm stubborn, I'm selfish, etc. I am scared of not fitting in; I'm scared of feeling like I'm only accepted if I pretend to be different than who I am. I know there are bad reasons for not wanting to go.

Yet..... could the reality be I simply don't love retreats? Once upon a time, I did. So what has changed?

My list of valid reasons I don't like retreats

1. I'd rather stay home away from everyone and read a few books by myself.

2. Being with others, especially a large group, is exhausting for me. I can only handle people, even really great people, in small doses.

3. I hate spending a few hundred dollars on something I don't "love." Nothing personal; I feel the same way about paying for a lift ticket to go skiing. I don't "love" skiing enough to want to pay the money.

4. I generally don't like women speakers.

5. I don't like emotional worship and I don't like songs that are centered around one's emotional response towards God instead of Who He is and what He has done.

6. At the end of the day, I'd rather just read a book. I guess I said that!


Last year I actually did have a good time. I enjoyed my roommate and we stayed up super late and she even brought diet coke for me. Though I enjoyed getting to know her more, I did not really get to spend much time with others, which probably was my fault.

In the end, retreats are really good but I don't really like them and I don't know why I am convinced I have to make myself like them! There is no rule that says I have to go........ but deep down, I really don't like being left out.

But I always feel I'm left out, if I go or if I don't go.

Do you enjoy retreats? What are your favorite parts of a retreat? What do you expect from a retreat?

Vulnerability

I just started training for a sprint triathlon with a friend.

Ironically, the things that scare me most are not how sore I'll be or the hard work and learning curve of swimming, biking and running.

What scares me most is that I'm absolutely horrible at stuff like this, and yet, I have to do this.

I want to do this! I want to be healthy; get in shape, hopefully lose some weight.

Yet there is a deep fear. I'm fearful of being vulnerable. I don't let anyone see me in a swimsuit. I am so imperfect in so many ways. There is much I don't like and yet the only way to change is to expose it. To be honest and share that this is how I am and then begin to get better.

I hope I get better!

Tuesday I ran/walked for an hour and then swam for half. I though I was going to die. It was hard work, and I was scared of revealing how out of shape I was, and yet, there was a freedom to it as well. My friend and training partner was accepting, helpful and kind. She was encouraging and I'm beginning to really get excited about working out with her. The fear I had of being this vulnerable is dissipating and now there is excitement.

I'm still scared. I still hate being so bad at this working out stuff. I know so very little about swimming, running and biking. This is truly brand new for me. And before, since I was so uncomfortable and afraid of being so lousy at this, I just refused to try. Here I am, not only trying but committing to do a race come next summer. A little, tiny sprint triathlon but I'm still excited. It is a step in the right direction and it is not easy for me to be this vulnerable and to do things I'm clearly not good at.

Yet, I'm happy. I'm finally doing this something I want to do and not letting fear stop me. It might be difficult but I'm thankful to be doing it with a friend. I'm looking forward to this journey and blessed to have someone to share it with.

Stuck In My Head

It has taken me many months to post this, almost against my better judgment. It makes a sharp point, perhaps too sharp? When I first viewed this a few months ago it was sent to me by this guy, who also blogged about it. He is very insightful and his post is worth reading.

I watched the video and immediately after really wished I did not. It was tough to watch. It disturbed me. If only I could get some of the horrid images out of my mind! And yet, I liked the video and song. I liked the "Screwtapish" feel it had to us, the perspective it presents.

So..... I'm posting this version on my blog BUT I'm warning you: it is not easy to watch and you may not thank me afterwards. There is a "nicer" version that Chris posts on his blog HERE. I'm posting the words too, so you can at least read it if you don't want to look at the video.

(of course, if you are like me and someone told you or warned you not to watch...... it is a good chance I'll watch it!! I'm so rebellious)


I’ve been here since the beginning
Know exactly how you work
I know all of your cravings
Know what makes you go berserk
Been lying from the start just to make you play a party in my infinite rebellion against the Father God
Hate
Everything he is
And I make you hate him too
Make you hate him with your actions it’s so easy for me to do
‘Cause you like it…
Sin feels good for the ego…
You love it…
Oh, come on baby
And all the time, I’m winding you up
Like my perfect little puppet, you’re my favorite robot, welcome to the show but I’m watching you and all of hell is with me too, helping me make my lies look true
Oh and there is a lie that works for everyone, everyone
A lie that opens your hearts so I can get me some more of your free will
I’m winding you
Winding you
Give me the control that’s why I’m telling you
Selling you
Anything
Everything
Appealing to your human way of being and I use it all against you to just keep your eyes from seeing past the life you’re living
Past the moment you’re in
Past the pleasure of your sin
Or the cigarette you’re smoking
Choking on your lust
I’ll make you drunk with pride
So deeply spun into my system that you won’t see the light
Never mind that I’m drowning you
I keep deceiving you…
‘Cuz I don’t tell you
That God in heaven
Who loves you
Who yearns for you
I don’t tell you
That the freedom of forgiveness and truth
Why would I tell you?
Why would I tell you the truth?
But I’ll say that millions of years ago an accident exploded
And you’re the result of this cosmic unknown with no real purpose
Created for no real intent
The reason for your living is just coincidence
So all the remains is what you can gain
Whatever meaning you attach to your days you decide
Mmm, but I help you recognize important things in life
Introducing money, it’s the root of all, evil they say so
I attach yourself worth to the salary you’re paid, be a slave to your property
Your jewelry
Your cars and things
Advertise that lie up on the TV so you’ll want that bling
Selling bit by bit the little pieces of your soul
Climbing up the ladder of economic control
Oh, the greed of man makes it so easy to pervert the Father’s plan
Or I’ll tell you…
There is a heaven but there’s many ways to get in
Keep you so confused that you stay bound to your sin
Tell you there are many ways to the same God
Keep you distracted with your methods so your heart stays hard,
I’ll make you think you’ve got spirituality, but it’s really just emotional alchemy
Oh, the vanity of self-idoltary I never let you see that it breeds
Hedonism! Whoo!
And it’s the answer of this generation
Come on, drink it, snort it, smoke it, swallow it
Chew on my illusion of freedom till you vomit it
And still I don’t tell you
That God in heaven
Who loves you
Who yearns for you
I don’t tell you
That the freedom of forgiveness and truth
Why would I tell you?
Why would I tell you the truth?

(Thanks Chris for the video and the words!)