To Be Happy

I'm reading an unlikely book for me. It's a "girl" book.... well, not specifically but I can tell.... a white dress, arms holding a bird's nest with 2 blue eggs. Written by a woman, with a flowing handwritten title: One Thousand Gifts: Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are.

Girl book.

Yet here's my quote for today. Coming from this book.

"God said humanity was not to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. And I moan that God has ripped away what I wanted. No, what I needed. Though I can hardly whisper it, I live as though He stole what I consider rightly mine: Happiest children, marriage of unending bliss, long, content, death-defying days. I look in the mirror, and if I'm fearlessly blunt - what I have, who I am, where I am, how I am, what I've got - this simply isn't enough. That forked tongue darts and daily I live the doubt, look at my reflection, and ask: Does God really love me? If He truly, deeply loves me, why does He withhold that which I believe will fully nourish me? Why do I live in this sense of rejection, of less than, of pain? Does He not want me to be happy?" One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp page 15

Seeking Treasure

I'm thinking about substituting the Treasure Island Triathlon instead of The one at Almaden Lake. Supposedly Treasure Island is pretty flat, compared to a nice big hill on the Almaden Lake bike ride, and I think I'd rather face bay water instead of the lakes's duck poop water.

:-)

I still have another few months to decide before the rates go up for the Treasure Island sprint triathlon. I can confidently say that (if I don't have to stop.... stopping makes me fall) I can pedal (not well) for 12 miles. I can swim for 500 meters or yards or whatever they are. But I can't yet run 3 miles.

I'm working on it. I really loathe running.....

That's Life

My pastor embarked on a new series last week titled "That's Life" on the lessons in Ecclesiastes. My first thought was apprehension; Ecclesiastes isn't really a "feel good" inspiring type of book, but his message was wonderful and in my own reading of the text and commentary I discovered I like Ecclesiastes. I love questions and thoughts on the meaning of life. It was a wonderful message that ultimately seemed to be saying that the meaning of life is not in a title (who you are) and not in knowing more, but that true meaning is found in what Jesus did.

A week ago I volunteered to help in the church office. I wasn't sure what that would mean or look like, but I so desire to help out and be valuable.... though I have to admit, there's a part of me that is questioning this. Am I doing it for the right motives? Will I actually find some type of satisfaction in doing this, or is it going to end up meaningless because I'm doing it not for God, but just to be considered valuable?

Today I sat in the office to be brought up to speed on what is expected of me. It was possibly the most demoralizing thing I've done in a long time. I know so little, feel so over my head, and so scared of messing up and making a mistake and doing it wrong. On top of that, there's the nagging despair of knowing that I'd never be chosen to do this job; I'm only a part of it because I am a volunteer and will work for free. I'm a last choice. It is hard for me to get past this. So instead of feeling good and valued, I feel even less so.

I was chatting with a friend of mine who has done ministry and worked in an office before. As a word of caution, he said to me, "you know, they'll take as much as they can get from you. You have to set boundaries because no one will consider your needs and schedule. That's ministry." and it saddened me. Ironically, is "that ministry?" My husband works for a large corporation and he's echoed pretty much the same words to me as well about his corporate job." They'll never tell you to go home. They'll work you as long and as hard as they can." Perhaps ministry and Real LIfe are not altogether different?

I don't feel I'm actually "in ministry" though I guess when I really think about it, isn't every Christian "In ministry" the moment we become a Christ follower? And I waffle between being a volunteer as "noble" thing or if it is a "worthless" thing.... I'm only a volunteer, I'm not all that important. Or am I?

Regardless, I have to admit to being overwhelmed and cautious, knowing that if I look at this as a "job" that will fulfill me I was of course be disappointed. I have a desire to serve, but is it out of a genuine love for God and a passion for His Church, or is it to make me feel good and worthwhile, and will this worsen or better my motives and desire?

Then there's the other part: I hate failure, I hate to disappoint and I know that failure is inevitable. It is so easy to criticize and find all the flaws and mistakes, and I'm usually the one that points out the misspellings and misinformation..... and here I'll be in the place of making those mistakes and having someone like me point them out. And I have to admit, it will kill me. I hate making mistakes.

I want to help. I pride myself in being faithful and I will do this and fight to do it well, but I know that I have bitten off more than I can chew. I don't know photoshop. There really is so much I don't know. I hate answering phones, I have a squeaky 12 year old voice, and I don't want to be representative of the Church office. I don't want that burden. Even when I go to conferences I have a hard time stating where I go to church... because I don't want them to think I'm typical of the type of person that attends my church. I just don't like to mess up. I'm not polished and I don't think on my feet easily. I could go on and on.

Yes, my rambling and unedited thoughts on display for everyone to see. I will take King Solomon's lead and journey into this as an "experiment" but with him as my guide and heeding his advice that without Christ, all this is folly and meaningless. (Vanity of Vanities!) If I can try to keep ministry and service to Christ in the forefront, I think I'll be okay.

Why is it so hard to do though? I can't help but crave the approval of others.

I like this quote

"Give yourself to the Church. You that are members of the Church have not found it perfect and I hope that you feel almost glad that you have not. If I had never joined a Church till I had found one that was perfect, I would never have joined one at all!
And the moment I did join it, if I had found one, I should have spoiled it, for it would not have been a perfect Church after I had become a member of it. Still, imperfect as it is, it is the dearest place on earth to us…

All who have first given themselves to the Lord, should, as speedily as possible, also give themselves to the Lord’s people. How else is there to be a Church on the earth? If it is right for anyone to refrain from membership in the Church, it is right for everyone, and then the testimony for God would be lost to the world!
As I have already said, the Church is faulty, but that is no excuse for your not joining it, if you are the Lord’s. Nor need your own faults keep you back, for the Church is not an institution for perfect people, but a sanctuary for sinners saved by Grace, who, though they are saved, are still sinners and need all the help they can derive from the sympathy and guidance of their fellow Believers.

The Church is the nursery for God’s weak children where they are nourished and grow strong. It is the fold for Christ’s sheep—the home for Christ’s family.” -- C. Spurgeon

Book Thoughts -- Soul Print

Since I have read a few of Mark Batterson's other books, I looked forward to reading his newest, Soul Print: Discovering Your Divine Destiny. I was happy he described it as not another self-help book and that "self-help is nothing more than idolatry dressed up in a rented tuxedo." (page 2) Yet certain parts still seemed a bit like that to me.

Personally, this is an area that I struggle with. Identity in Christ, being content in who I am, forgiving myself for past mistakes, etc, so this book wasn't an easy read for me. I know we're all unique and made in the Image of God, but I often find myself asking why God made some folks "better" than myself.

On page 3 in the introduction Mr. Batterson writes,

"I'm not sure where you're at in your journey of self-discovery. Maybe you're on the front end, trying to figure out who you are. Maybe you're on the back end, trying to remember who you were meant to be. Or maybe you're somewhere in between, trying to close the gap between who you are and who you want to be. No matter where you are, I want you to experience the joy of discovering who you are and the freedom of discovering who you're not. It won't be easy. ANd there are no shortcuts. But if you are breathing, God hasn't given up on you yet. So don't give up on yourself. Let this promise soak into your spirit, because it will energize your reading: it's never too late to be who you might have been." Page 3.

He then goes on to write about self-discovery and how hard yet rewarding it is, and admonishes us to be more like ourselves. I guess that is the fun part... discovering what the true self is, and of course, refining it and becoming better at it. He also uses several stories from Scripture, such as David, Samuel and others.

The part that hit me the most was the chapter called "The Crags of the Wild Goats." I oftentimes am bogged down in regret and his words at the end of this chapter were interesting to hear:

"Most of us spend our lives trying to prove ourselves to people, when all we have to do is prove ourselves to God. That is the key to your integrity and the key to your destiny. You don't have to prove yourself to people, because God is your almighty advocate. And if you live with integrity, then God will not only prove Himself to you; He will also prove you to others. The greatest freedom is realizing that you don't have to prove anything to anyone except God Himself. And that revelation is what made David a man after God's own heart.

Maybe it's time to quit taking the credit so you can quit taking the blame. Maybe it's time to quit proving yourself to epople and start proving yourself to God. Maybe it's time to quit building monuments to self and start building alters to God." (page 89)

There is much to this book to like, and much to wrestle with if you have doubts like I do. It is a very encouraging book and I enjoyed reading it.

Note: Per the FTC Guidelines, I am disclosing that I received a free copy of this book from the publisher.

Book Thoughts -- Defiant Joy

I so enjoy G.K Chesterton's writings, so I was thrilled to see this biography, Defiant Joy: The Remarkable Life and Impact of G.K. Chesterton by Kevin Belmonte. It was a solid, good biography, but left me wanting more. I felt I was enticed and had a good general foundation of Mr. Chesterton, and I enjoyed the many excerpts of his writing and what his contemporaries thought of him, but I longed to learn a bit more.

If you are unfamiliar with G.K. Chesterton, I'm sure this book will make you want to read his original writings in full. Even if you are familiar with him, I bet you will want to go back and re-read some of G.K. Chesterton's classics in a new light and appreciation.

I received this book free from Nelson Publishing in exchange for an honest opinion about the book.

The Longest Day

Sundays are now my Longest Days. I enjoy the Saturday night service that my church is now doing, but there's a small part of me that misses Church on Sundays.

Nothing happens on Sunday. On Saturday I'll be invited a a few kids birthday parties, and a myriad of other events, but on Sunday it is all silence.

Now, I like silence, except since I have 3 kids there is rarely ever TRUE silence.

I'd never leave my church just because it moved to a different time or day, but I miss the interaction I have on Sundays. Saturdays seem like a whirlwind.... trying to get so much done, invited to so many events and Sunday is still and slow.

Maybe I just need more time to get used to it.