"Post" Modern

A little over 3 years ago my husband purchased a laptop for me. Prior to that we had an old PC that I used to organize and edit my photos and check the occasional email. That's it. I did not check out blogs. I did not even like the word "blog". I did not understand web forums or their appeal. I really only used my computer to look something up, check email, or play with my photos.

That was then. With the introduction of this beautiful MacBook Pro my life has changed. I love being able to bring "my life" with me wherever I go. When I was in jr. high and high school I'd willingly bring a backpack with me wherever I went with a book, a pen and paper, cds and a CD player.... all kinds of things. To me, my laptop, and now my iphone as well, is it's equivalent.

I am now quite accomplished at finding information, looking at various blogs, and going on various forums. Facebook and twitter have become indispensable and I no longer think I can live without an iPhone. (I'm sure I could....if i can go without diet coke I'm hopeful I'd be able to go without an iPhone. (but I do admit it would be harder; I love that thing!)

Today's title is "Post" Modern because I realize I post things without thinking. I'l learning to be better. I like discussion but do I come across as difficult? Argumentative? On FB I could have had an interesting discussion but at what cost? If someone knows me there is an understanding of who I am; but what about those reading that don't know me? I have just created an impression that may not even be quite true.

It is good to think before posting, and I'm not good at postponing posting!

Yesterday I posted a picture of my 10 year old asleep at the kitchen table. He had attended a sleepover the night before and stayed up really late. While eating his sandwich, he fell asleep at the table, his hand actually in his empty glass of milk. It was pretty cute and reminded me of when he was little; he could sleep anywhere and did fall asleep at dining room tables!

I instantly snapped a photo and uploaded it to facebook. Later when I mentioned it to Conor he wasn't happy. He did not like the idea of all his friends seeing it on facebook.

I guess I have to be a little more careful of posting things.

Picture of Me

I received another letter from Ayoko Yvette. (She goes by Yvette but Katie always calls her Ayoko) It was a wonderful "Thank you for your gift letter. I love how she always begins her letters; greeting me in the Lord with a kiss. Isn't it sweet?

Though I showered her with too many gifts and made a little photo album with my kids and some of their drawings, what Ayoko asked for was a photo of me.

It's the one thing I don't have. I'm the photographer; I'm the one always behind the camera. I like it that way for a reason! Really, there are very few photos of me and the ones that exist I don't keep.

Yet she wants a photo of me.

I think I signed up to sponsor a child through Compassion International because my church encouraged us to do so and I thought it'd be a wonderful experience for my children. And it has been; most definitely it has been! We're all very attached to our sponsor child.

In a way it would've been easier if my church family had not gone to Togo to visit the kids. Now Ayoko wants me to visit; wants to be one of the "special" children whose sponsor loved her so much she/he came to visit.

In her most recent letter she again asked when I was coming to visit. At least this letter did not seem so disappointed as the last one.

I do know that she is so loved.

Foolishness

I went to the library today without my kids and truly experienced the awe I once had going into a library as a child. It was awe. I think I wanted to bring home hundreds of books but settled instead for 12.

Twelve! What was I thinking? Add this to the other 12 I'd checked out previously. In just the twelve I chose today it is over 3,100 pages..... and one of the books is by Dallas Willard so his count as double.

Yet I couldn't put them back and wait for next time; I wanted the joy of having them in my arms immediately.

But what good is having 24 books in my house if I don't have the time to read them?

I guess I'll be staying up late this coming week.

Harder To Believe Than Not To.

"There is, in the end, no such thing as a simple faith." - Dennis Porter

I'm simply a strange person. At times I really doubt my faith. I wonder, if I truly understand the Gospel message, truly realize the sacrifice Christ made for me and how much God loves me to send His son to die in my place....... would that radically change every decision I make?

I'm fairly "good". I try to be obedient to the laws of the country and state I live in. I try to live "right" in accordance to scripture. I read my Bible, pray, and attend church faithfully every Sunday.

Is it enough?

The first book I ever read by Timothy Keller was The Prodigal God. In it, and I found out later he also writes a similar statement in Reason for God, "There are two ways to be your own Savior and Lord. One is by breaking all the moral laws and setting your own course, and one is by keeping all the moral laws and being very, very good."

Sometimes I wonder if it's almost harder for those that "grew up church". Being fed easy answers to problems that are anything but easy, yet we grew up hearing them so much we can recite them in our sleep.

I grew up hearing about grace and how "easy" it was and "better" it was to be a Christian; and now I wonder why it is I'm not finding it so easy. Am I actually a Christian? Can a Christian have so many questions and doubts? Can I be a Christian and still be wary of God's power to transform others, especially myself?

I know I have a lot of questions and doubts, but I am also trying (probably too hard) to figure out the whys and what's behind all the things I grew up learning. It's easy to just believe something, but how do we know it is truth? Recently it was pointed out to me that there are certain answers I just don't like/accept because they sit in conflict with my hopes. This hurt me; as I don't want a faith that is easy and "me-centered"..... a faith that just says what I'm comfortable with and what I want. I want truth. If what I believe or put my hope in is false, what will happen when I lean on it? When it is all I have?

In Jr. High and High School I was a huge fan of a band called Steve Taylor and Some Band. I saw them so many times in concert; loved the energy and excitement, loved the creativity and the music. It took me a few years to understand fully some of his lyrics but I have to say I've not forgotten them nor have I "outrgrown" them. As I was contemplating on belief I remembered this song and though I'd share it with you. Circa 1987.

Harder To Believe Than Not To

Nothing is colder than the winds of change
Where the chill numbs the dreamer till a shadow remains
Among the ruins lies your tortured soul
Was it lost there
Or did your will surrender control?

Shivering with doubts that were left unattended
So you toss away the cloak that you should have mended
Don't you know by now why the chosen are few?
It's harder to believe than not to
Harder to believe than not to

It was a confidence that got you by
When you know you believed it, but you didn't know why
No one imagines it will come to this
But it gets so hard when people don't want to listen

Shivering with doubts that you left unattended
So you toss away the cloak that you should have mended
Don't you know by now why the chosen are few?
It's harder to believe than not to

Some stay paralyzed until they succumb
Others do what they feel, but their senses are numb
Some get trampled by the pious throng
Still they limp along

Are you sturdy enough to move to the front?
Is it nods of approval or the truth that you want?
And if they call it a crutch, then you walk with pride
Your accusers have always been afraid to go outside

They shiver with doubts that were left unattended
Then they toss away the cloak that they should have mended
You know by now why the chosen are few
It's harder to believe than not to

I believe"

Flannery O'Connor writes in one of her letters that there is a cost involved in being a Christian. That it is " much harder to believe than not to believe." What do you think?

Could a Garden Come Up?

I find the most amazing things on the internet. I'm a perfect test candidate for social media and social media marketing. If a blogger recommends a book, and I like that blogger, I'll buy it. If he or she says this is the best music ever, I'll definitely preview the album, and if I like it, I will purchase it.

I'm quite an obedient "student."

On Tuesday a band I've only heard about in tweets released their new album, Beautiful Things. The band is called Gungor. I have learned it was called The Michael Gungor Band but now they just go by Gungor. The tweets were abuzz with how stunning they were in concert a week ago at a worship conference, and I couldn't comprehend how they could be THAT different; It's "worship music". How can it be so revolutionary?

When pressed, I could not get an adequate answer as to what made them so special, but supposedly they are AMAZING in concert. Exactly how? I'm not sure but 2 people just say they are not to be missed in concert. Revolutionary.

Intrigued, I went to their website. So far, there are no tour dates in the west coast at all. Hopefully that will change, as, like I said, I'm obedient and if someone says "go" I go.

On Tuesday their album was released. After previewing it, I thought it was worth purchasing. After listening to it twice I realized I was falling in love with it; and not just the lyrics; I loved the sound. It's varied and interesting. Some are playful and light; others are serious in tone and words; with raw honesty, yet always coming back to the goodness of God.

This album is one to be savored. It is a delight and has a certain intentional flow and cohesiveness to it; but it's simply beautiful as well. Some albums I'll just pick a couple songs I really like but this album is meant as a whole; it builds on each other. Of course, it's just my opinion but I have so enjoyed listening to this album in it's entirety.

I wonder if partly because, now that I've listened to the music over and over, I'm beginning to really pay more attention to the words. Normally, I'm words-oriented and the words are what endears me to an artist but this time around, it was more the music and sound than the lyrics. However, now the lyrics are just flooring me.

I love all the songs, and they all echo a similar theme to me.

Beautiful Things
Written by Michael Gungor and Lisa Gungor

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make me new, You are making me new

We’ll see a brighter day

© 2010 WorshipTogether.com Songs (ASCAP) and
Michael Rossback (ASCAP)

In another song, Dry Bones, the chorus is so simple and yet I find myself so often in such desire to be "made new". A God that is loving and powerful and capable of transforming me.

"Jesus, You’re the one who saves us
Constantly creates us into something new
Jesus surely you will find us
Surely our Messiah will make all things new
Will make all things new "

Isn't it beautiful?

I think I'm in love with music; Im most definitely in love with the idea that God creates us into something new. He will surely find us.

I love this album.

A Hymn to God the Father

A Hymn to God the Father
by John Donne

Wilt Thou forgive that sin where I begun,
Which was my sin, though it were done before?
Wilt Thou forgive that sin through which I run,
And do run still, though still I do deplore?
When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done;
For I have more.

Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I have won
Others to sin, and made my sins their door?
Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I did shun
A year or two, but wallow'd in a score? 10
When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done;
For I have more.

I have a sin of fear, that when I've spun
My last thread, I shall perish on the shore;
But swear by Thyself that at my death Thy Son
Shall shine as He shines now and heretofore:
And having done that, Thou hast done;
I fear no more.

God as Center.

"At first what our heart feels is that we cannot square this with our God as we imagined Him, as we had dreamed Him to be. The God we had, we lose, and then it costs so much bitter conflict of soul, before refined and purified in our knowledge of God, we grasp another, and now the only true God in the place thereof . . .

We fancy ourselves the main object at stake; it is our happiness, our honor, our future and God added in. According to our idea we are the center of things, and God is there to make us happy. The Father is for the sake of the child. And God’s confessed Almightiness is solely and alone to serve our interest. This is an idea of God which is false through and through, which turns the order around and, taken in its real sense, makes self God, and God our servant . . .

Cast down by your sorrow and grief, you become suddenly aware that this great God does not measure nor direct the course of things according to your desire; that in His plan there are other motives that operate entirely outside of your preferences. Then you must submit, you must bend . . .

This is the discovery of God’s reality, of His Majesty which utterly overwhelms you, of an Almightiness which absorbs within itself you and everything you call yours. And for the first time you feel what it is to confront the living God. And for the first time you feel what it is to confront the living God. And then begins the new endeavor of the soul, to learn to understand this real God."

A. Kuyper