Inward Bound

Lately I've been realizing that other people are right. This is hard for me to accept because I'm a firstborn girl; I'm usually right. I like to be correct and like others to be correct and my first inclination is to correct them BUT this is annoying and I realize that I make a lot of (small, little) mistakes too so I try not to correct spelling or things of that nature. I do prefer things to be perfect in that realm but it's not that important, is it?

So... I read a book once and need to read it again. It's a hard book to read. It's called Emotional Intelligence. I think another book I read was called Blink. I don't own Blink so I can't quote from it but there was a section in it that asserts that others are more aware and see us more clearly than we see ourselves. Even strangers. after spending minimal time observing a person can correctly describe them with uncanny accuracy. I pretty much refused to believe this because if true... if true it means that I'm intense, unadventurous, stubborn (well, okay; I'm most definitely stubborn!) like (certain) things perfect, am law oriented rather than grace oriented (this one, sadly is true as well) and am intense and difficult. Oh, and I'm melancholy in temperament.

I don't like being melancholy in temperament! I'm not sure I like being an introvert either. No one wants their child to be shy or an introvert. According to Please Understand Me only 25% of the population identified themselves as introverts, and that was in 1964. I wonder if that figure is even lower now, now? Is it because we DESIRE and push ourselves to be considered extroverts instead of introverts? But I digress. My point is that I'm all these traits: Introverted, melancholy, stubborn, intense, have high expectations of self and others, am judgmental ungracious, controlled and difficult. Did I mention intense? That comes up a lot too.

I suppose they are right; I am all these things, sad to say. I wonder at times why this is all people see. Am I even or have I ever been how the inside of me feels and thinks of me? Because even though I'm most definitely an introvert I do enjoy people. (people drain me but I like them) I have a whimsical, fun and playful side to me. I love to do the unexpected but perhaps don't wish to be surprised when it comes to me! I love to get lost in a book and though I don't read a ton of fiction, my imagination inwardly, vividly paints the scene in my mind to a point that rivals or even exceeds anything Hollywood could produce. I love music and the beauty of it. There's a part of me that deems art too subjective and poetry too vague and I prefer to know with certainty that author's viewpoint and reason behind the art but there's also a part of me that is thrilled by this space, this unknowing and undefined space. I'm scared to bring my own interpretation to it because I don't wish to be wrong; but at times I wonder if that's the purpose; an invitation to one's own reflection and being. It's a tug-o-war in my mind; to want to know with absolute truth what the "message" or meaning is; and the other side just enjoys this unknown. But after a bit of reflection I want to know the truth. I want to know what is right.

So, inwardly my life, my feelings are different than what others see and I wonder who is right? The observer or me? One that sees the outward me or me that sees the inward me? How can I be wrong about my very self?

Or is it that I just don't share my inner self?

I'm intense and I don't wish to be so intense. I want to be loving and forgiving and not so rigid. I want to be soft and accepting. I want to laugh and enjoy things.

Yesterday Katie was talking to me; I was scarcely listening to her. (she likes to talk..... a lot!) Finally I realized she was saying "look at me! I have green teeth!" and so I did. And we laughed. i asked to take her picture and she happily obliged. I don't want to be so intense that I lose the love, laughter, grace and humor in life.

So what about you? Do you think how you think and feel inwardly translate to how others perceive you? Do they "match"? Or is it different like me. Who do you think is correct? Who is the real you? Real me? My inner thoughts or my outer actions?

Before and After

When I think of "before and after" I think of radical transformation; like a person who lost a ton of weight or a hair and make-up or clothing make over. Maybe even something new out of something old, like the show "Extreme Home Makeover". Regardless, I generally tend to view the "after" picture better than the "before" photo. We always want something better; something newer and improved.

I also find it interesting that when one sees the advertisements for weight loss supplements or to sell exercise equipment, the "before" photo is always an unedited "snapshot" in which the person is wearing no make up, hair messy or at least not styled. The lighting of the photo is dim and off, with shadows and just a harsh look to it. Usually the person is wearing unflattering clothes.... but in the "after" shot, hair and make up are professionally done, the person is now wearing stylish clothing, smiling, better posture, better lighting, and of course, they are transformed to the image is being sold. David, my husband, constantly laughs at infomercials where the really fit guy or gal with lots of muscles says that "just 20 minutes of day" will produce this body. Ummmm..... no. They may have used that equipment for 20 minutes a day but they surely also ran many miles, modified their diet and did a bunch of other exercise to achieve the look they are purporting to have achieved by that diet or that exercise regime or machine alone.... and at 20 minutes a day too!

Now here you may wonder if I'm going to use an analogy of this to our spiritual life of expecting us to know and love God while only doing five minutes of prayer or scripture reading a day. Nope. I'm going in a different direction.

BEFORE

Three years ago I did not own my Macintosh laptop. Nope; we just had a very old PC that's hard drive had given up twice, loosing all my not backed up data. (the 2nd time we did retrieve most of it) I spent a few hours at most on the computer mostly just organizing, downloading and editing photos. Email was designed to inform me of things, not to carry on a conversation. We owned one desktop and it was shared by all. I checked my email maybe twice a day and rarely if ever bought things online.

AFTER

Today as I was driving to a park to run with my friend Kris. (for me "run" is a code word for "walk") I realized I had not brought my iphone. Not a big deal, right? But I missed it. As I drove to the park I kept noticing this urge, more like a slow twitch to keep glancing at my hand, where my iPhone usually is. As I drove I realized I could not check my email. I could not look up blog posts, I just really missed it. Not even a year ago I had an old phone, with a black and white screen that cold only do phone calls and texting (but I never texted) and displayed the time. Now my options are nearly endless.
This is my after: even on my phone I can order a book online through Amazon with just a click of the touch screen. I can read a whole book that I downloaded for free. It organizes and schedules my life, reminds me of things, tells me the weather, I can look up any bible verse in any language and any translation! Check my facebook, blogs, get directions, listen to music, twitter, GPS,... I can do so much with this phone; an extension of my computer at home. I once spent maybe 2 hours online or on my computer "before" and now I have access to it at stoplights, the grocery store, the park. Anywhere. Instant communication; instant knowledge. I love it.

Now, perhaps this is not a better "after" image. Perhaps I had more free time before I was enslaved and had so many options available to me, but would I have filled my life with such stuff anyways?

When I was younger I hated being bored. I'd carry around a backpack that was my life. It did not matter how much it weighed; the though of being without it and the potential of boredom was not something I wanted to face. I had to have a notebook and a pencil or pen. Had to carry at least one book with me. I enjoyed markers and crayons. I'd bring maybe a dozen CD's with me and my portable CD player with me everywhere. In many regards, this is what I carry with me now, only in a much more compact and better format.

I can blame this all on technology, and there's great things as well as bad things to technology. I hear often that people are finding it "good" and therapeutic to unplug now and then and set aside dedicated time to NOT engage in things online. I am trying to understand that, but in the end I am responsible for my choices. Even if I "unplug" what am I plugging in to? If I choose to not read a book or a blog online, am I reading a paper book instead? If I'm not shopping online, am I at the mall? If I'm not instant chatting with a friend, am I on the phone instead? Is one method inferior to the other or just easier to be distracted in front of a computer screen?

I do love my life "after" with my wonderful computer and iPhone. But is it better because I have dressed it up to look better? Is it more alike than I'd care to admit? Do I waste more time or save more time by this wonderful technology addiction? Has it facilitated relationships in a better way than my "before" life and methods of interaction? Is email the same as regular mail?

Is that old quote the more things remain the same the more they change or the more things change to more they remain the same? Plus c'est la meme chose, plus ca change? What do you think?