Kicking and Screaming

Today was the first day of Kindergarten for my final child. It was a hard morning. My kids were all awake, dressed and fed before 7am and counting down the minutes until we could finally walk to school. It seemed to take forever but once at school the time went too quickly to even begin to savor.

All went very smoothly; all 3 kids were smiling, David and I were smiling. But as the last child (not mine) entered the kindergarten classroom, it was evident it was going to be a long day for the kindergarten teacher: Kicking, screaming, clawing, escaping..... I began to cry as I thought of my precious little girl and how I had done so much to prepare her and confidently reassure her that she'd be fine. So much trust she had in me to go into the classroom alone and then this one child was so very upset! As the teacher tried to contain this little boy and calm him, several kids went to the doorway, looking for one more assurance from mom or dad that everything was indeed fine. Then the door closed but we could still hear the screaming and I said a silent prayer for the child, parents and teacher, as well as the kids. I then began to cry and my neighbor hugged me and said how can you be crying? But I was. I was fine until the kicking and screaming kid.

I wonder..... perhaps the kid was right to be kicking and screaming. Can you imagine being 4 years old, out of your routine and safety of home with a loving mom and dad and siblings and everything familiar that you know and love and be forced to come to a new place with new routines and rules that you don't even understand? Add to that this little boy's parents spoke a completely different language while consoling him. Can you imagine what it would be like? Being only four there's such a limited understanding and a desire for safety and familiarity.

In a way, it's logical. In fact the strange thing is that sometimes the logical things are not the best things or decisions. Logically it would be safer to keep my kids with me. Logically one would seek to minimize risks, hurts and unfairness. Yet the more one is exposed to these things the more learns from this and growth occurs. Building block upon building blocks of trust and experience. Even through failure one gains valuable insight that prepares them for yet more risk and hurt and true growth. I was reading the other day that working out and exercise actually is breaking the body down and it is through the recovery/repair phase that is building the body back up, better and stronger than before. I think life is a bit like that too...... to engage in things that are a stretch, or a struggle. To be uncomfortable and it's in that uncomfortableness that true growth occurs, if it is followed by a rest or recovery time to further absorb the "training".

I don't know. Lately I've been faced with multiple choices, and trying to wade into the muck to figure out which path is correct. Instinct tells me one thing: self preservation and safety yet these things that once brought security and safety haven't been working.... but the alternative seems much more risky and counter-intuitive. Logically, rationally, it simply makes little sense. Paradox. Last shall be first. Lose your life to gain it.

I don't know. In conclusion I have no answers except to say that there are many times I'm inwardly kicking and screaming too.

The List

Today The List is posted.

What? Don't know what I'm talking about? Ahhh, you don't have a child starting school then! The classroom assignments are being posted today at most schools in my district. Today the kindergarten was posted at 9am and there was a little orientation as well followed by refreshments provided by the PTA. (and all the sign up lists to volunteer as well!)

I was barely on the school campus when someone I don't even know comes up to me, verifies who I am and then asks if I'm going to head up the Reflections contest this year. (Reflections is an art competition) I said yes, mostly because I love this program and know that if I declined it would not be done. It's one of those "non-essential" things that is easy to not do.

Finally made my way to The List but did not even need to get close enough to read it when a friend comes over to me and states the teacher Katie got. I'm fine with it. I'd be fine with any of the Kindergarten teachers and this teacher is really very sweet and nice and I know that Katie will do wonderfully in her class.

So I finish chatting with other moms (one of the great things about having older kids at the school; I guess I know a lot of moms!) and go into the classroom. I instruct Katie to sit at the tables. She refuses. Odd, as she is usually obedient and compliant and I realize as she's clinging to my leg that she's a bit scared! (Yeah, I guess I'm not the most intuitive mom) This is a first. My boys had no problem happily getting used to kindergarten and my little girl is fairly outgoing, loud, and rarely shy, especially around kids. I continue to (nicely) encourage her to sit down and meet some other little girls. She's disappointed her neighbor friend is not in her class.

She does well, still clingy and meets her teacher, who recognizes her as "Reid's sister". She hides behind my pant leg. I mention to enjoy the silence now because in a week she wont' be this quiet! Out of all my kids, Katie will most likely be the one that gets in trouble for talking with others in class. (but she's a girl, it's expected, right?)

Turns out that Katie is in the same class as 2 others on her street. I know one slightly and the other I did not even know she lived near us until I asked. Turns out they live across the street! Ouch! They have the sweetest little girl and 2 high school boys..... and I have never ventured across the street to meet them.

All that is changing. I'm so excited by this school year and really feel it's a great opportunity to meet my neighbors more. (One lives directly across the street, the other one door down) And of course, our behind our house fence neighbor. (but her son's in a different class) I was able to introduce my fence neighbor to a great many moms since so many had kids in the class her son was in.

On the playground my kids loved connecting with the other kids, new friends and old. I was asked to be in charge of yearbook for the school year. Yikes! That's quite an endeavor but I'll just have to be more structured and disciplined. I can do it, right? And reflections and volunteering in 3 classrooms, and.......

I am at heart an introvert and yet I really do love interacting with others. It was wonderful meeting my neighbors and allowing my kids to play. There was such excitement and anticipation, by the adults and the kids, heightened by the fact that this is Kindergarten; many moms are sending their first child to school! Other moms like me are old pros but somehow, with this being my last, I find myself perhaps more emotional than they are! It's simply hard to look into a cute 4 year old face that is so full of hope and yet a bit timid and say goodbye to her and not be allowed to be part of her day!

But I'm happy. The List is posted. I love her teacher, love the fact that all the kindergarteners on our street are in the same class (though I'm the only SAHM) I'm looking forward to being forced into true community with my neighbors, I'm even looking forward to yearbook. It's a new school year afresh with all sorts of possibilities and challenges. And I'm ready.

It's going to be a great year. Oh wait, maybe I should wait until the boys' List is posted tonight before I say that!