Friday, January 8, 2010

Allowance for Change

It hit me today that, though I really don't like it when people dismiss me as a certain way (like being difficult), I do the same to others. In my mind, even though I try not to do it, I label them. I get an impression that they are one way and close my mind to the possibility that perhaps there is much more to them than I realize but I won't know it until I spend time with them.

But I don't pursue spending time with them because I don't think they will like me or we have anything in common. It's true that I'm strange. I can't deny it! Sometimes I do think it's kindness that keeps me from "making" people get to know me, as I've alrady determined that they won't like me.

I know that I'm changing. It's a slow change, it's painful at times yet joyful and exuberant other times. Sometimes it's all this at once. It bothers me that perhaps people won't allow me to change. In their estimation I'll always be the way I started, the way that I've disappointed them or the reasons they dismissed me. Sometimes it even takes me a while to realize I'm changing, and sometimes I even resist my own change. I'm scared of it

Sometimes I almost think I enjoy thinking I'm so strange that others can't possibly be like me. Perhaps I like being different and unique, or perhaps I just don't want to be hurt or disappointed. Actually, perhaps this is constantly changing: my reasons, desires, wants.

Regardless of me, it has come to my attention that I've been guilty of pegging someone as one way when perhaps there is much more dimension to them that I've not allowed myself to see. Perhaps I'm looking for ways to alienate myself instead of finding common grounds with others? Just a thought.

I'm faced with this today because the past few weeks I've seen a different side to a friend. It's always been there perhaps but I did not see it. Was it shown to me and I did not want to see it? Is it new? I've no idea but it's making me realize I do exactly what I dislike others doing to me: Not allowing change from initial perception to what very well may be reality that was already there, or just the fact that things, people, change and grow. We learn constantly, change constantly. I'm one that doesn't care for change but I think perhaps change, and allowance for change, is an incredible gifts in many ways.

Have you changed? Do you allow for change in others? In yourself?

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