Amazing how excitement can so quickly turn to disappointment. I was so excited about a project,; couldn't wait to get started. I envisioned a certain look in my mind and couldn't wait to match it. I wanted to go above and beyond, add a few extra touches. I wanted to get others involved and have them make it "theirs" instead of my project.
Yet it is coming up on 2am and I can't make things work out the way I want them to. Nothing seems to be going perfectly and I've even ran out of a key element to my project..... and of course, it is all due tomorrow morning. Oops, make that THIS morning!
I keep telling myself to do the best I can with what I have, but I'm heartbroken. I don't like to disappoint others, or myself. I look back and wonder what I could have done differently? Wondering why I thought this was such a great idea i the first place. Wondering why I said I'd head it up when someone else could have done such a better job than I am doing!
I was so excited yet now I'm just sad and I can't fix it. The alternative is do do nothing and I have to have something, even if it is not as good as I like.
At dinner tonight a friend brought up a saying that a pastor used to say: "If it is worth doing, it is worth doing poorly at first." Oh, that bugs me and yet..... sometimes it is better to get something done rather than not doing anything at all because I want it perfect.
Yet, now I'm not happy. I can't feel good about my endeavor. What I was once passionate about I am now scared and disappointed, wondering why I wanted to do this in the first place. Wondering why I didn't let someone else do it instead.
I look back and things that I said I'd do and realize I'm always disappointed when I take a risk and do things out of my skill set. I think that things are out of my "comfort zone" and it is good to challenge myself and grow, but lately I am learning that there is a huge difference between "comfort zone" and areas in which I'm not talented in and should NEVER even try to step in and attempt it! Truly, some things are best given to people who really are gifted in certain areas.
So, not only am I disappointed but I'm a bit angry at myself and embarrassed. I wonder why I continue to take risks. I want to stay safe, to hide and only do things that I know I'm good at or things that won't matter if I mess up.
This week has been a tough week for me as I realize this lesson. I'm not good at most things and should leave it to those that are gifted and more creative than me. It hurts when I don't achieve the level I know the situation demands and expects. This week I interviewed an author and pastor of a large multi-site church. He couldn't have been kinder and more articulate but I was painful to even listen to. He may be a pastor and a nice guy, but I'm sure even he got off the phone thinking what a waste of time and why I interviewed him instead of someone that was at least proficient. On top that major blow this week, I have had others. I realized hat people are the same way. For some reason I think that a church is a community where even extremely different people can come together and be loved, but I do think that much is based on merit. I once fought the idea that like people stick with like-minded people but perhaps it is human nature? We want to be around fun people that make us smile and give value and meaning in life, not those that are painful and difficult to engage and interact with.
It has taken me a long time but I finally get it and hopefully next time I'll remember what I'm actually good at and stick only to those things, not leading a Bible study, not interviewing authors, not trying to have a discussion with someone or head up a rummage sale like I did last year. No. I need ot learn to say no. To realize that there are others that are truly gifted and should be the one in a leadership role, not me. Faithfulness and determination is not enough.