Vulnerability

I just started training for a sprint triathlon with a friend.

Ironically, the things that scare me most are not how sore I'll be or the hard work and learning curve of swimming, biking and running.

What scares me most is that I'm absolutely horrible at stuff like this, and yet, I have to do this.

I want to do this! I want to be healthy; get in shape, hopefully lose some weight.

Yet there is a deep fear. I'm fearful of being vulnerable. I don't let anyone see me in a swimsuit. I am so imperfect in so many ways. There is much I don't like and yet the only way to change is to expose it. To be honest and share that this is how I am and then begin to get better.

I hope I get better!

Tuesday I ran/walked for an hour and then swam for half. I though I was going to die. It was hard work, and I was scared of revealing how out of shape I was, and yet, there was a freedom to it as well. My friend and training partner was accepting, helpful and kind. She was encouraging and I'm beginning to really get excited about working out with her. The fear I had of being this vulnerable is dissipating and now there is excitement.

I'm still scared. I still hate being so bad at this working out stuff. I know so very little about swimming, running and biking. This is truly brand new for me. And before, since I was so uncomfortable and afraid of being so lousy at this, I just refused to try. Here I am, not only trying but committing to do a race come next summer. A little, tiny sprint triathlon but I'm still excited. It is a step in the right direction and it is not easy for me to be this vulnerable and to do things I'm clearly not good at.

Yet, I'm happy. I'm finally doing this something I want to do and not letting fear stop me. It might be difficult but I'm thankful to be doing it with a friend. I'm looking forward to this journey and blessed to have someone to share it with.