Friday, September 25, 2009

Inward Bound

Lately I've been realizing that other people are right. This is hard for me to accept because I'm a firstborn girl; I'm usually right. I like to be correct and like others to be correct and my first inclination is to correct them BUT this is annoying and I realize that I make a lot of (small, little) mistakes too so I try not to correct spelling or things of that nature. I do prefer things to be perfect in that realm but it's not that important, is it?

So... I read a book once and need to read it again. It's a hard book to read. It's called Emotional Intelligence. I think another book I read was called Blink. I don't own Blink so I can't quote from it but there was a section in it that asserts that others are more aware and see us more clearly than we see ourselves. Even strangers. after spending minimal time observing a person can correctly describe them with uncanny accuracy. I pretty much refused to believe this because if true... if true it means that I'm intense, unadventurous, stubborn (well, okay; I'm most definitely stubborn!) like (certain) things perfect, am law oriented rather than grace oriented (this one, sadly is true as well) and am intense and difficult. Oh, and I'm melancholy in temperament.

I don't like being melancholy in temperament! I'm not sure I like being an introvert either. No one wants their child to be shy or an introvert. According to Please Understand Me only 25% of the population identified themselves as introverts, and that was in 1964. I wonder if that figure is even lower now, now? Is it because we DESIRE and push ourselves to be considered extroverts instead of introverts? But I digress. My point is that I'm all these traits: Introverted, melancholy, stubborn, intense, have high expectations of self and others, am judgmental ungracious, controlled and difficult. Did I mention intense? That comes up a lot too.

I suppose they are right; I am all these things, sad to say. I wonder at times why this is all people see. Am I even or have I ever been how the inside of me feels and thinks of me? Because even though I'm most definitely an introvert I do enjoy people. (people drain me but I like them) I have a whimsical, fun and playful side to me. I love to do the unexpected but perhaps don't wish to be surprised when it comes to me! I love to get lost in a book and though I don't read a ton of fiction, my imagination inwardly, vividly paints the scene in my mind to a point that rivals or even exceeds anything Hollywood could produce. I love music and the beauty of it. There's a part of me that deems art too subjective and poetry too vague and I prefer to know with certainty that author's viewpoint and reason behind the art but there's also a part of me that is thrilled by this space, this unknowing and undefined space. I'm scared to bring my own interpretation to it because I don't wish to be wrong; but at times I wonder if that's the purpose; an invitation to one's own reflection and being. It's a tug-o-war in my mind; to want to know with absolute truth what the "message" or meaning is; and the other side just enjoys this unknown. But after a bit of reflection I want to know the truth. I want to know what is right.

So, inwardly my life, my feelings are different than what others see and I wonder who is right? The observer or me? One that sees the outward me or me that sees the inward me? How can I be wrong about my very self?

Or is it that I just don't share my inner self?

I'm intense and I don't wish to be so intense. I want to be loving and forgiving and not so rigid. I want to be soft and accepting. I want to laugh and enjoy things.

Yesterday Katie was talking to me; I was scarcely listening to her. (she likes to talk..... a lot!) Finally I realized she was saying "look at me! I have green teeth!" and so I did. And we laughed. i asked to take her picture and she happily obliged. I don't want to be so intense that I lose the love, laughter, grace and humor in life.

So what about you? Do you think how you think and feel inwardly translate to how others perceive you? Do they "match"? Or is it different like me. Who do you think is correct? Who is the real you? Real me? My inner thoughts or my outer actions?

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